My Final Post

Unfortunately, my blogging days are nearing an end. I may continue to post later on but not as much as I have been. So before I leave you until… well the next time I post (probably a while from now) I’m going to tell you how blogging has changed me. At the beginning of the year I had big hopes for my blog, such as posting every day. Later I found that it was better to post when I had something to rant about than to try to 2-3 times a week. Quality over quantity I suppose.

Being able to write out my problems has changed me in many ways, and I thank you all for reading and actively commenting on my posts. It truly has helped me know that I am not alone in this. One of the biggest things this blog has done for me is helped me realize what I want and what I need. I am making a big change in my life and moving to Salt Lake where my dad lives and my horse is boarded. My mom will be renting a house down there and I feel that it is going to relieve so much stress that the stretch of Parley’s canyon causes me. Lately I’ve been feeling like my life is so spread apart, things that I enjoy are mainly in my hometown, Salt Lake. It’s not that I don’t absolutely love and adore all of my friends in Park City, and it will be very hard to not see their faces every day. But I had to realize that this is a change I need to make for me.

So this is how I got to where I am right now. I have learned to share my problems with those I trust, and take action in trying to make myself happier and taking opportunities that I have and letting them prosper.

I hope that you have learned something from my blog too. Or at least been inspired in some sort of way. I do not just write for me, I write for the unwanted, unappreciated, unknown teenagers alike. But remember, someone in the world you might not even know yet needs you. You may feel unwanted, unappreciated, and unknown but your life has purpose. Maybe you will never find out what your purpose is but if you take nothing else away from my blog, at least take away the fact that you are important.

So thank you to all of my readers, you have helped me in ways you may never understand and I thank you for that.

Photo Courtesy: Word Press

My Life is Anything But Perfect

For some reason I am unable to fathom how some people seem to think that I live a perfect life that has nothing to complain about. Now I will admit that I complain more than I should, and I’m working on it, and I’m not advocating for you to think life is terrible, but I’m also asking you to not think anybody’s life is perfect. The truth is, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. So be kind, always. So I am going to talk about a few, not all, of my battles.

The first thing I’m going to talk about is depression. The fact that I struggle daily with depression is inevitable. I can hide it from people’s eyes but I can not evade the fact that it's true. There are many different events going on that factor into this so I’ll talk about a few key ones. A large contributing factor is that I lost a lot of key people in my life all at once. It was unbearably hard on me and I wanted the pain to end. Sometimes I felt I would have done anything to make it end. I wrote in my journal once “I’m so fucking tired. So fucking tired of this. I want it to end.” I have decided to not go too far into the next reason but I will mention it, because it was significant. I don’t have a stellar relationship with my mother. We do not always get along, and it is tiring to live with someone you are always fighting with. But even more so, it’s tiring to have such a strong love for a person you are constantly fighting with. In another journal entry I wrote “She is never happy with me, at least not for long. I am so tired. I want to stop being tired. I want to stop pretending I’m happy. I want to stop trying. I want to it to stop. I want it to stop. I want it to end.” I want you to know that I have thought of self inflicted harm but I have never come close to attempting.

Secondly, stress has driven me to insanity and keeps on adding the miles on. Mainly stress causes me migraines. Migraines have taken over my life. The best way to explain what they've done to my memory is making an analogy. Let’s say my life is a glass window in the back seat of a family car right beside the car seat of the youngest child. As children I’m sure you remember swiping your sweaty little fingers tips and palms all over that back window. Your parents would always scold you, for now they need to clean the window from the greasy streaks. But in my case, no one is there to clean the smudges. Sometimes I have flashbacks, usually of insignificant events, but other than that migraines have made grades six through nine a complete fog. Migraines have pulled me up by my roots. Some people say I’m one of the most down-to-earth people they’ve ever met. I find this quite ironic because I have such a down-to-earth disposition, but truly it’s so hard for me to stay grounded. I am in wonderland half the time, just sitting in the back of my head. I have an extremely small attention span now, I have loads of nervous energy and anxiety, and truth be heard, I wouldn’t be surprised if my pediatrician diagnoses me with ADHD. The stress amounts I undergo are to the point that at any given moment you asked me to cry, it would take me anywhere from a minute to a few seconds to burst into tears. I am on the verge of tears perpetually.

When you add these two things together, they make for quite the ordeal to be dealt with for one small fifteen year old girl that already has to think about getting decent grades in school if she wants to have a nice future ahead of her. The coalition of these two tribulations has caused me a variety of other issues such as malnutrition (not due to or related to any eating disorder), depreciation in grades and school work, issues with close friends, and loss of temperament control.

I want to acknowledge the fact that there are people out there with much worse problems than mine but I also believe that you should never degrade your emotions just because someone else out there is dealing with something worse. Point is, don’t assume someone’s life is flawless and remember, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind, always.

Photo courtesy: Electric Sekki

Who Revolves Around Who?

The Sun, something so vital to our existence, to the way we live out our life. We have been taught about it ever since we were young, the blindingly bright sphere of fire that floated above us in the sky. The main source of energy on this Earth, the reason we are alive. Yet it isn’t grammatically correct to capitalize it. It is said to be spelled “the sun” but I am here to tell you differently.

We are to capitalize the first letter of our names because we are proper nouns. But in reality our significance is incomparable to the Sun’s. We are small individuals thriving off of the Sun and the Earth. We did not work for these things, they are our guardians, our care takers, what we actually need for survival. Yet us insignificant little destroyers of nature can’t even let the fucking Sun have a capital letter? We are so selfish, ignorant, self indulgent to the point we give our underserving selves capitalization yet the Sun and the Moon are to be uncapitalized.

Let’s play a little trivia: what would happen to the world if we suddenly disappeared? Whether you like it or not, this wouldn’t be a tragedy but rather a regular loss, in the Earth’s point of view anyways. Elimination of a species from Earth, it’s got it’s own word, extinction. That’s all it would be, another case of mass extinction. Next question: what would happen to the world if the Sun lost flame and flickered it’s last beam of light? This would change everything. Not only would we die, but the Earth would be on its way to losing every last species that inhabits it. Earth would be just another empty, cold, planet. So may I ask you now, which of us is more important? The Sun, or us as individuals?

Businesses, cars, magazines, books, countries, people, clothes lines, street signs, the list goes on and on. We throw capitalization at just about everything and anything in this world, significant or not. Except for the Sun. The one thing that deserves to be spelled as if it were the king of the world, because it was, because it is, because it always will be. Is it so hard for us humans to give the damn thing that keeps us alive a capital letter? So I realize my one blog post most likely won’t change the rule but if you read this all I’m asking you to do it take just a moment longer to when writing “the sun” and make it “the Sun.” And remember, the Sun doesn't revolve around us, we revolve around it. Therefore, do it for the thing that our life literally revolves around (Sun puns ?)

Photo courtesy: Houghton

Drawing the Line Between Childhood and Adulthood

If you are a teenager I’m sure you’ve heard an adult telling you that you need to handle things like an adult would or assuring you that you are an adult now and you need to act like it. It’s irritating to hear this. I’m not an adult, I’m already mature beyond my age, and now you’re asking me to be an adult.

No.

I am not an adult, I am not even close, I have so much more to learn and to experience in life before I even want to think about classifying myself as an adult. And in the meantime I’m going to live out this limited time I have to be a child. To make dumb decisions and be recklessly stupid. These are my trial years to life and I’m going to take them to the limit.

Technically, by doing so I am preparing my self for adulthood. If I only experience being a good kid all throughout childhood then there’s a higher probability that it will be during adulthood that I begin to make illogical decisions. The problem is that my life won’t be as forgiving when I don’t have parents paying for my care. If I make a shitload of shit decisions when I’m an adult and having to handle my own well being, it’s not going to end well.

Now I’m not encouraging for you to go out and do things that will most likely impact your future life badly. Don’t go get addicted to drugs and literally make every bad decision possible, but don’t feel too guilty over every single bad one you make.You need these less than great choices to learn what it feels like to mess up. No one can expect you to make all good choices. No one can expect you to be an adult at fifteen. Even so, adults don’t make all good decision either. So really, adults aren’t much to strive towards being. No offense.

So the next time an adult tell you to be more adult like in your decisions, the way you act, or anything similar to so, please remind them you are not an adult. Look them in their eyes and say “I am not an adult, you can not expect me to be one.” It’s time to draw the line between childhood and adulthood. Who really wants to be an adult anyways?

Stay young my friends, stay young.

Photo courtesy: Children's Ministry