The Golden Strands to my Not-so-Golden Past

I am cutting my hair today.
I am cutting away my past.
I am cutting it away.

I am cutting away the hair that the people that have left me touched. I am cutting away years and years of hair.
I am cutting it away.

I am cutting the ties that keep me together with my past.
I am cutting away my youth.
I am cutting it away.

I am cutting my hair today.
I am cutting away the hair that I love so much.
I am cutting it way.

I am cutting away something I am so emotionally attached to. I am cutting away 12 inches of hair. I am cutting away three people and three years. So don’t shame me for my choices. I am cutting my hair not for the look of it. I am cutting my hair to surrender in this fight to hold on to those who didn’t. These golden strands from my not so golden past. They will be someone else’s. Don’t shame me for how I’m going to look. You don’t understand what I’ve been through. I would scrape off my skin if I could. But not even my skin was there when the people I loved so much were. That skin has died and turned into the undesired dust on my little dark oak coffee table. It was swept away, but my hair, it is very much still here. The hair my papa used to stroke. The hair that my friend used to braid. It’s still here. And so am I. And here I plan to stay. No matter how much I hate it, no matter how much I want to leave, I will stay. But my hair will not. I want it to be given to someone who needs it. And I don’t need it. I want to need it.
I need it to be given away.
But I want it to stay.

I am giving away my hair today.
I am giving away my past.
I am giving it away.

No matter how much I want it to stay,
I am giving it away.

Please know that I love you with all of my heart,
but no matter how much I want to need you to stay,
I need you to go;
I need you to go with peace

I am giving away my hair today.
I am giving away my past.
I am giving it away.

The Deer & The Fox

Just because I am vulnerable, doesn’t mean that you aren’t weak in my gaze.
Just because I am hurt, doesn’t mean it is any safer to walk on my grounds.
Just because I am drowning, doesn’t mean you can evade my blaze.
Just because I am broken, doesn’t mean I am untouchable.
   
But don’t expect my trust to come as easy as a walk in the park.
And don’t complain when my edges get too sharp.

Because, I may be the deer and you may be the fox.
But, that doesn’t make me any less dangerous.

Because, I may be wounded from all of your games.
But, that doesn’t mean I can’t cause you the same amount of pain.

Because, I may be the shards of broken glass on the floor,
But, beware because one false step and you’ll be spending a lifetime,
picking out the shrapnels that I left behind.

-The Deer & The Fox, a poem I wrote sometime last year

Feeling Vulnerable,

This is reality. We are a constant cycle from deer to fox, you will never stay in one roll. Sometimes it’s a matter of years before you cycle to the next vulnerability rating, sometimes it’s only a matter of who you are associating with. And for me, it is only from bonds formed without a word spoken, that I am ever the fox.

But neither role is easy. In being the deer, you must learn to accept the role of a follower, the role of being in constant danger and still holding ground. You must learn to dance in a relationship where you are of the lesser. And in the meantime, be okay, be emotionally stable, with all of this. Well do that or have nights where you cry while rocking yourself back and forth. But don’t worry honey, that stage doesn’t last for long. After time, you learn to have tears without crying. After time, you will not be sad, or happy, or angry, you will be emotionless about the hell that you go through. Unless being the deer isn't hell, but we’ll get to that later.

Now you are a fox, you may not even know it. That’s the way most of them are. In the art of being a fox in a community of deer you learn that if you take advantage of your power, you will find yourself with a limited amount of people left in your life. In acting this way the only thing holding on to the left over people is an intangible, emotion driven source that nor you or the deer can touch. But if you are the fox and you take as cautious steps as the deer, maybe, just maybe, you will keep all of the people important in your life. And after time, the deer will still graze from a sunlit meadow and you will keep a stable amount of happiness. But, beware because one false step and you’ll be spending a lifetime, picking out the shrapnels that they left behind.

 

photo credits to A Lovely Lark